Published August 28th, 2023, Personnel Development Insights & Strategies/Spiritual Growth & Awareness

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Relationship Management, Remembering where it all started

Any relationship is complicated, whether with a loved one, a family member, or a friend. You have different personalities and egos that come into play, so there must always be an understanding of compromise within the relationship. Today, I want to touch on loving relationships with men or women, whatever your preference, as I am picking up more clients with problems in their relationships or difficulties in their marriages that need to be worked out. Although every relationship is different, different people have different personalities. The fundamentals are very similar in every relationship I come across; they need to remember, and their minds are too focused on what it's like now and what the issues are, not what the positives are and how they impact one another.
I want to talk about a specific couple I have been seeing regularly; they don't mind me writing this blog post about them as I have asked their permission.
They came to me with a lack of the following: "Communicating better, Conflict resolution, Rebuilding trust, More intimacy, passion with a lack of trust."
They had been and remain married for twenty-five years, and the last five years have been the most challenging. So why? What has changed? For twenty years, they have been doing well. They have had ups and downs, and this, I need to remind you, is normal; you are never going to get a relationship where everything is like walking in a field of roses; it doesn't happen, even the most robust relationships suffer from time to time, how would there be any growth within the relationship if there wasn't? This is the difference between someone living alone or single and a couple living together; there is no difference! Each grows in different ways; a couple will grow from each other and the hardships they both feel in a relationship, and a single man or woman will get the same growth, but from friendships or work colleagues, for example.
As I went through my regular questioning, trying to build up a pattern of where the issue may be, there was no apparent issue; they seemed very comfortable with each other; there was no ill feeling or remorse. I want to explain how we came to the following conclusion

Communicating better, Conflict resolution, Rebuilding trust, More intimacy, passion with a lack of trust"

Both are excellent communicators; both have jobs and support each other within their roles within the home. They have children, boys and girls, who have left home. With my series of questions, I wanted to get to the root cause of why they didn't communicate because they were both interacting in front of me. As I went through my dialog, we discovered that one felt the communication was there and hadn't changed, and the other thought it had changed and was non-existent. In this example, the male felt everything was okay, and the female didn't; truthfully, if I am honest, this is a prevalent pattern within a relationship dynamic. The foundation for the pair was there; I asked them Do you want to be in this relationship? And are you prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right? They both agreed and were very enthusiastic about it; I said okay, we have our foundation, and once you have that foundation, just like building a house or even a business, you can now start to put your building blocks on it. Now, some do get built on a faulty foundation because of one significant factor (Balance), a level give and take, and when a relationship is unbalanced, the scales tilt, and problems start to occur, which means, in a nutshell, one person isn't pulling their weight. However, this can be that one person in the relationship has slightly gone backward, which then tilts the scales, and the other person feels this unconsciously, which then, without knowing why, causes the relationship to break down. Usually, if this continues, you have an entire relationship/marriage breakdown. Essential relationship-building blocks are Communication, Compromise, loyalty, trust, and intimacy, which means we have our foundation in this relationship. Still, some of the bricks have been moved for whatever reason; three of the five building blocks above are communication, trust, and intimacy.
Now, you can take intimacy out of the equation and add compromise because the intimacy will be there if there is communication and trust. It's important to understand that men and women work very differently; men think with a logical mind, and women in their emotions. For a man, if he isn't getting intimacy from a women, it's because he isn't fulfilling her emotionally. Now, the feeling is more than just popping down the flower shop and returning and giving your wife, girlfriend, husband, or boyfriend flowers, although that does help. Feeling with a woman is about simulation; it's about stimulating their minds to enable them to be intimate. Doing this with a woman's mind makes her feel secure, safe, and loved. The problem we face is that men work logically, so when they think, they think from a problem-solving perspective, critical thinking, and reasoning; the problem is a domino effect. I will give you an example: men feel security through feeling comfortable; they have a good life, a lovely woman, food, don't have to go out hunting, we can chill and relax! Women will think, " I need a cuddle, I need to feel you, I need to hear you." I want you to be intimate with my mind! The problem occurs when the man gets comfortable and needs to remember his role, which is to bring balance to the partnership, bringing his partner towards intimacy, which gives her comfort; sadly, he gets lazy. I am not saying this is always the case; I am not saying it's always men. It depends on where the masculine and feminine energy is in your relationship. In some relationships, the women hold the male quality and the man the feminine; we have both in us. But this is my point because at the beginning, the man loves the woman, and the woman loves the man; he gives her security, he loves her, he gives her attention, so, at the beginning, the man is in his masculine and feminine energy, but in most cases, it's one person who isn't giving to the relationship as they use to. The other party feels that movement, and being a woman, and they work in emotions, they will pull back, and they then pull back? What happens is the man pulls back, and then we have a push and pull dynamic, and we then get to where we are because the communication isn't there as it once was, and why is it not there, generally because one person has given up, they may not think it, but unconsciously they have.
So, in this relationship, communication was a huge factor in why it broke down. One person had stopped trying, and the other felt it, and over time, she didn't communicate this, which led to the man pulling back further and the woman feeling the loss, which then pushed her backward; it was my job to start pulling them together, which I did.

So how did I do it? With rope, I tied them together; no, I am joking; I won't go into every solution we did as we met every two weeks for three months. But I can tell you they are in a perfect place now, and it's not me that did it, it's them, I just guided them back together.
I will, however, tell you the MAIN reason this situation was the way it was. As I explained above, this was a standard, as I like to call it, Masculine and Feminine relationship; the Man was masculine and the woman feminine, although the male was 100% masculine and the woman was feminine around 35%, the rest was masculine energy. This is a good balance for a woman if she is working or out in the world, as I call it, in the wide world doing her thing; she has to have this because she has to show strength. However, she was still in the same energy space when she came home and stayed that way. This caused issues because the male was entirely masculine, so with her masculine energy being too high, it triggered the male, which led to a lack of communication, a push and pull element, but it didn't end there. The male had put her into this state through the absence of his feminine energy, so he wasn't giving to the female correctly through emotions, pushing her to 65% masculine, which caused the divide, which wasn't normal for her at home. The male unconscious feels different, and so does the female, and boom, we have intimacy issues because the woman isn't feeling the emotion, which brings her into her feminine, which allows for intimacy. The Man isn't getting intimacy and goes more into his masculine, and we have a stalemate; it then brings no communication, a lack of trust, and no compromise. Once I explained this to them, it took them time to get their heads around it, but once they got it, everything started falling into place because they both started playing the roles they had always played for the last twenty years, so both were fulfilled.
You see, it only takes one thing to be out of place and unbalance everything else; you may put a whole list of issues, but it will be one thing that affects the rest, just like building a house, one faulty brick the house falls. Once we had found that brick, we replaced it with a better one, which was the male giving my feminine energy to the relationship, and that isn't dancing around with lilies in his hand; this is him, making sure his girlfriend and wife feel that security and feel the emotions of femininity.

It's important to understand it's not all doom and gloom when you have relationship problems. When I first see couples or people on their own, they are like I don't know what to do, and their total focus is on "it's all ending." But what I tell people is to focus on "HOW" how can we make this right because there is always a way, but if there isn't, then you need to move on, and that is what life is calling you to do, you don't have to, you can stay, but people get so scared of leaving someone, and this goes into other Blogs I have written about Co-dependency and fear, this is two of the main factors why they can't move on.

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